October 2017 - During a normally progressing labour at home I said no to a vaginal exam. The attending midwife said I could have a little more time but then she was going to perform it. After my little more time when she advanced toward me saying she was going to do the exam now I again said no and she told me I was not allowed to say no and began threatening that I wouldn't be allowed to keep birthing at home and she was going to call an ambulance to have me removed to the hospital if I kept refusing. I had chosen a home birth to stay out of the hospital due to so many women reporting having pitocin and other medical procedures done to them against their will, but now I was being threatened by this midwife in my home with the same violence I was already trying to avoid. I still did not give consent to this exam. I was clinging to my bedframe but the midwife had my doula help her drag me up by my arms and onto the bed where she then forcibly raped me to perform this exam without my consent while she got my husband to hold my hand while she assaulted me. I was too distressed and frozen from the threats and fear and confusion to be able to speak or do anything to fight back and now I was trying to labour trapped in my home with an abuser who was controlling everyone who was supposed to be protecting and supporting me and now I didn't know how much longer this was going to keep going or how many more times she would decide to rape me before the baby was actually born.
The pain she put me though from this assault was horrific like being stabbed inside with a searing hot knife and I screamed and cried while it was happening but she wouldn't stop. This was also not the only form of physical abuse and assault she committed against me. She also demanded I submit to sterile water injections in my back because she kept deciding the baby was in a bad position. I said no to this as well but she stated that my labour wouldn't progress without it and made more threats to send me to the hospital if I didn't comply. I was too frightened from already being raped by her and that she made it clear my saying no meant nothing and she would do what she wanted anyway so I was forced into more pointless pain and torture from having those put into my back. I finally made it through to feeling the urge to push but because just 5 min before feeling "pushy" the contraction had taken a short pause this midwife again started freaking out that we needed to transfer to the hospital because my labour had stalled and they were going to give me pitocin and all the list of things they were going to do to me against my will. Then she tried to argue against us on our choice of hospital since she was forcing us to go my husband and I had made it clear which hospital we preferred in the event we did have an emergency transfer but she told us we shouldn't go to that one because the ob on call there just automatically csections anyone who transfers whereas the other hospital "might allow" me to labour longer on pitocin.
I don't know if she was just being lazy and didn't want to go to the slightly further hospital or if they blatantly know theres a Dr. who is allowed to just csection anyone without medical need or consent because he just prefers to and they tolerate and allow that abuse to happen but in either case all this extra terrorizing was completely unnecessary because I began having push urges before she could finish threatening us or make us leave the house. Then she and the other midwife who had been called now told me to go to the bathroom and push there for awhile and try to empty my bladder to help let the baby move down, I said I didn't want to because I didn't want to give birth in the bathroom and they said that wouldn't happen because this was my first birth and I didn't even know how to push properly, well I pushed twice and the baby was then crowing so not only were they abusive midwives they were obviously incompetent and stupid and they kept being angry at me for my body working just fine when they kept deciding it wouldn't or wasn't supposed to.
I gave birth in the bathroom as they tried to demand and drag me back to the bed but I wasn't walking with a head out between my legs. Then they were panicked about the blood even though that was in a normal range and I wasn't feeling weak or dizzy in any way and had specifically said I wanted delayed cord clamping and refused the clamping and shot of pitocin but they made excuses and had already done it to me as I was saying no. It was nothing but being raped and harassed and bulldozed in my home where I was supposed to be safe.
Laying on the bed with my baby on my chest the original midwife who had already assaulted me multiple times began smashing on my stomach and yanking at the cord to get the placenta out. She did not ask permission or explain and when I screamed stop she told me to "shush she had to"... I was so terrorized and trauma bonded that I still for some reason went for post natal checkups to these abusers. I didn't know what other horrible things they would do to me if I canceled or didn't show up. It was a terrifying experience of abuse and coercion and the sick part is so many other women rave about how caring and supportive this practice is so what did I do wrong to get targeted with so much violence and disregard for healthcare law and my decisions?!?!
What has been the impact?: Absolutely no trust for medical providers due to awareness of how explicitly they are trained to degrade patients and override them at every turn, the few good ones are the exception when the general rule is abuse. I have PTSD and still 5 years later wrestle with shame and constant fear being on alert, my own home doesn't feel safe because thats where all the abuse happened. I don't know if I can ever go through another pregnancy if I want more children. My every day life and well-being is drastically impacted by the mental health damage I've suffered through all because university trained professionals don't understand the word “no”.
I believe I was partly targeted due to appearing young and being a first time birth, in her response trying to justify her abuse in my formal complaint process the midwife specifically made mention of my lack of eye contact during office visits, I believe she decided I was stupid and assumed she had right to act on me against my will
I did formally complain to the College of Midwives of Ontario, the response from the member who assaulted me was that I never said no in any of "the recognized ways" and never physically resisted and they determined that because nothing was put in the medical record (written by the abuser) that nothing wrong had happened. This was business as normal and nothing was done. My doula did testify that she saw coercion and force to what they determined was valid consent and she did put herself at risk giving testimony because of course this practice attempts to black list any doulas who don't make their clients comply with the midwives.
Nobody believes clients/patients so it’s clear people with more medical credibility need to be reporting their abusive colleagues not closing ranks to protect them. Stopping the abusive behaviour needs training and correction not to be hidden and covered up. This midwife practice has doubled down and now threatens removing care entirely from anyone they suspect will refuse vaginal exams in labour because it is seen as "choosing care below their standard". It feels like my report has only made the potential abuse worse for other women not better, it has made them angry and more determined to dig in and remain in control over their clients
Submitted anonymously
